Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Alan Nguyen's LiveJournal:

Saturday, December 20th, 2003
12:55 am	I want to fall I want to sit where I am, in my present life, not care about my future, not care about my past, not care about anything. Just drop everything, take everything off my shoulders. Why can't I just do that? Why do I have to keep walking, walking through obstacles, through pain, through the fact that I will never get anything out in life? Why? why why. I just wanted to feel that I was something to someone... I wish that I meant something more then a friend... I remember the days that I went through this.. I remember how cowardly I was, how unknown I was.. I now know why I was like that.. It's called loneliness, the loneliness from the world, my life, my heart. I know I have true friends out there, the friends that try to help, with all their heart, I thank them.. but like last time, I don't think it matters.. A heart in love doesn't look outside.. I am sorry, I am just too cowardly when I am in a position like this.. lost, unknown, unmoveable.. I've been crying, crying for myself, crying because of the world, crying from the pain and agony I put myself through.. I am sorry Silvia, Alan, Kate, Shain, Annie... Everyone, I just don't know what to do.. I am lost, and like before, the light has been taken away from me.. Don't worry, I have 3 weeks to get over it.. IF I get over it (Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2003
11:15 pm	I've been missing you so much The nights are spent wondering how you're doing My heart yearns for your touch My emotions inside are brewing I remember the days we used to be Smiling at everything you did I just hoped that you could see Our relationship was like a kid Carefree, no troubles, only the scent of together The joys of watching my girl laugh It didn't matter what was the weather we made it shine with our romance as the staff I want to know what's on your heart What went wrong between you and me I just want to do my part I just hoped you could see I love you with my entire heart If I could have done anything, it was for you What could I do to make it right Tell me please, what should I do? You're not my friend, my girlfriend, You're my life, someone that I care for I know this is something we can mend A person I envy, someone I adore Please give me one more chance Lets try to make it all right We can fix this romance I know we can get through this plight I am lost without her love, I am lost without her smile, I am lost, I am lost..... (Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2003
1:36 am	I am falling I wish I could disappear, turn into a small little speck of life, nothingness. Reach Nirvana, be at peace with myself, watch over anything I want. Just leave this place. Lately, my heart has been torn into many pieces.. Too many to even count. I miss her soo much. Yeah, I might seem clingy, but I just don't want to loose her. When I see her smile, she just seems very happy. I know she hides her emotions, but even if it is faked, it brings smiles to people, like me. Like how I explained on my other blog ( MrPhoBoy at geocities ), I find her very talented and everything. She might just be a bit introverted sometimes, but I've learned to deal with it.. Or so I thought. I don't know what to do. It's like, I am stuck between two rifts of life. One where I travel to Annie, have my one day or whatever of actual joy, and the other being stuck here, where all of my friends are slowly going away. Like I said in my older posts, I find myself, lost, alone, and held back. Nothing goes right for me. yeah, life is full of obstacles, but I find that mine is nothing but obstacles. I go to a crappy school, I live a shitload of miles away from her, and I got no life in anyones dictionary. It's just helpless ~_~; I've always looked back at my past, and remember when I turned suicidal. I remember being lost, confused, unknown to the world. I am at the same moment in time, but just this time, I feel as though, suicide would be a stupid idea. No I am not suicidal, I am just at the point where those emotions that I had when I was coming into play. I want to just have something good happen in my life... Something that I can say to myself, was something great. If I could just have that one chance, that one wish, I'd wish to be happy. I am afraid I might never get that chance. Like Silvia, who uses her LJ to post her thoughts, I do the same.. But there's too much that I am keeping inside, that wont come out. Why can't my life be just a bit more easier on me. I mean.. Some people get it super easy, I get it super hard. Even a homeless, who has a goal in life, to survive, is better off then me. I have no goal whatsoever... I feel that crying wont make any difference.... So why am I crying? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
1:30 am	Drama... the bane of all evil If I could sum up my life in 1 word: Drama. Just when something good seems to come by, it gets flicked away. You know.. I sometimes feel as though I am lifes little experiment.. Each time that I get a taste of happiness, it gets taken away from me after a time. And then I am back to where I began, literally. Without the ppl I could tell, without the support, without anything. Left in a whirlpool of what I call life, I have to attempt to get out of it? By myself? without anything such as a simple log? It's more like.. Life gives me a damn 100 lb steel ball stuck to my feet, as to drown me. I hate uncertainties.. I mean.. right now, if I knew she'd be with me all my life, I wouldn't care, I'd go full speed on with my life, but.. I am not even sure what the hell is going on. Does she care? does she remember? do I matter? I find myself staying up till 2, trying to ponder what is going on with life.. Since I hit middle school, nothing has happened as planned. Nothing I wanted really stayed, anything I got was taken away, buy some bitch, or by some act of god/person/thing/event. Sheesh. I remember once, I liked this girl, next day, I found out my WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A FRIEND ASKED HER. And why? Because I TOLD HIM? Then, once, when I had to go on a bus, and get a partner, guess who gets left with NO PARTNER? No suprise, ME. Then, when we had our senior group in middle school, and we were to go with a group, guess who I got stuck with? ppl I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, the ppl I KNEW, told me up front, can you go with them instead? I thought Lowell would present itself some nice new opportunities, a new slate to start off with, a brand new life. Then WHAM, friends start backstabbing, I got fucking noodle water spilled down my backpack, and all my "friends" did was fucking LOOK and laugh. The only person that was by my side was Kien, but now he's off to a new life. My only friends that I still talk to, are ppl that got a new life somewhere. Alan, CSM, Silvia, She's going to be going off to UCs in a yr, Kien, he's at Davis, who will one day become one, if not the best fucking programmer in the world ( Not sarcasm, I knew he would do a kick ass job ) The only other people I would consider my real friends.. Is her, but I haven't had a personal talk to her in what? 5 months? I'd rather not trouble her then I already am. Man, I wish I'd get some surgery to remove the ability to cry. so I wouldn't have to worry from being so god damn weak in life. I help, I get trampled all over, I do anything, I get fucked over by some miracle of god. Christians say that god cares, where the hell is caring when all he does is let a little person like me try to live life everyday? and to the buddhists, did I do this fucking bad to be fucked up soo badly, even though I am only 18? ONLY? my 18 yrs has never come with any happy years, every year, something has to go wrong. Muslims? When do I get to pursue my final goal of life? To purge my body of the sins that I have created and have a peaceful life? I mean shit, I've gone through more then I can count. I was even suicidal before ( No, I am not suicidal, I just hate what's going on ) Yeah, I'll drag myself through life if I have to, but at least give me some sort of happiness. Never before did I see so clearly that I am bad, but never before am I so lost that I don't know where to go. I remember when I was small, I would say, I am going to Yale, I am going to Caltech, I am going to become a great scientist, I am going to have lots of friends that care for me, I am going to become someone known. Maybe that's why, expectations way too high. Well, I set them low, and god damn, my life fell lower. To the certain someone that I talked to today, who I called "persistant" No it's not your fault, don't worry. This is in fact what I think about every day.. If any of you ppl ( Who I think is maybe 3 ) that's reading this, and think I should find another hobby that I like, the only hobby I like is to go online, and read about things. Nature is a waste of time, drawing needs artistic skill, singing needs a voice, going to take a walk is meaningless. While I am on the subject of walking.. Why walk? to go outside? Why go outside? To get some fresh air? Why? because it helps you clear the mind? Sleeping clears your mind, you are SLEEPING. Exactly, walking is as wasteful as sitting here, and if I sit here, I actually feel at home, I don't have to worry about getting shot in the head, jumped for my money, or be in the freezing ass cold. I think confucious was right when he said, when you do nothing, nothing is left undone. It's true why? Take animals, they just do what's nessessary to live, they don't get drama. What? We aren't animals. Oh yes we are. we're classified under MAMMALS. We only consider ourselves not animals because we have a mind and think we are better. Yes, we might have more intelligence and all that crap, it just means we are better evolved. We are all truely animals. Definition of animal: "A multicellular organism of the kingdom Animalia, differing from plants in certain typical characteristics such as capacity for locomotion, nonphotosynthetic metabolism, pronounced response to stimuli, restricted growth, and fixed bodily structure." So indeed, we are animals. Wow.. look at that.. I started at 1:30.. and now it's 1:55... I've been bitching for 25 minutes.. It'd probably take you at least an hour to read all of that.. trying to fix all my grammatical errors, write down how many times I contridict myself, and laughing at my general making an ass of himself attitude, which I do myself believe it or not.. but I seriously.. do not care. I thank you for reading this, if you did, and I congrat those who were smart enough to not bother reading through the bitchiness, and get to the point... Which is, live life, and fuck what happens, you can't change what's thrown at you, just throw it right back. I give you a song to listen to, if you care: Westlife - Written in the stars. To Annie: I love you, please understand that, I really really do. There'd be nothing in this world I'd hold dear then you. You mean soo much to me, I am sorry, It's me. Not you. Don't worry about me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
9:09 pm	My gawd, tyme flies yeah... I just realized, that time flies by soo fast.. I remember, when I was at Lowell freshman yr.. And I was running around trying to find a T.. And now.. 4 and almost 1/4 yr later.. I am asking myself.. what the HELL happened to my time? I don't even remember my sophmore or junior yr.. Actually, I don't remember any of my high school yrs.. only senior yr.. mucho drama... Other then that.. man.. I have nothing to show for myself.. I mean.. I could have gone to gal, and maybe got into berk.. or at least a UC.. but then I'd be a dumbass ( no seriously, I would.... Most of the stuff I learned was from friends, not school ) I'd never have experienced some of the best times with my friends ( SILVIA ). My first love was in HS.. and I vaguely remember it.. *tear* Man.. I really do miss High School.. Not because of the school ( I hate Lowell in general ) but the memories.. and the people that I've met.. not including my teachers ( a few. like Hibbard, Vancourt, Simon, a few others ) is just.. unspeakable.. I mean.. Gawd, once you look back, you say to yourself, that was fast.. Now I am a 18 yr old geezer ~_~;; Aiyah, time flies. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
1:49 am	Woah, that's just soo yaoi. *Inside joke for Anime people* Hrm.. what happened this week so far... Nothing much really.. I got Annie a Glass Rose... *shh, dun tell her that* yeah.. it looks nice.. Why a Glass Rose? Well.. She knew me because I used the name Rosegiver somewhere *coughlamecough* But yeah, it's like my trademark thing.. Can you say Tuxedo mask? Ahahahah! Whatever.. me? Tuxedo mask.. I'd probably run and cower in the corner like usual. That's a picture of it.. Sorry it's not bigger.. No, it's not MOLD Silvia.. you can't see the picture cause your monitor stinks! I got a Midterm next week.. Tuesday and then Wednesday... MacroEcon + History of Jazz.. respectively.. On a lighter note, I got myself 24 Rechargeable batteries.. They are pretty nice.. YO. 1 dollar each too! and they kick the shazziez out of other Rechargables asses.. well not really.. but I sure hope so.. And they do kick regular batteries.. Heh, take this battery eating, energy sucking, crazy camera! Oh yeah.. I might get myself a Cybershot U ( Sony ) for 100 dollars.. Depends on if I really want a smaller camera without zoom.. I do need that zoom.. Or I might get myself a Canon Rebel.. 1,400 dollars Yo Well, I can get it for 700 dollars, but shoot.. I need 700 dollars! But it's nice.. 6.1 MP digital camera, in a SLR format ( One of those big manual looking things that professionals use in a studio, like the Nikon F3 my dad has.. just bigger and has more stuff in them.. ) And it's feature packed.. but do I really wanna carry around with me a 2 LB clunky thing? Maybe to Vietnam or.. Annie :P but.. I might get myself a Canon S400 ( some of you might know what that is, it's the camera like 1/4th of everyone WITH a digital camera has ) It's like 4 MP, and it's 300 dollars ( 350? Not sure ) but.. it's pretty nice.. 3x optical zoom and everything.. but... it's soo cliche.. if I get one.. Like.. do I really wanna be like other people? I durno... 4 MP... sounds nice to meeee. Or.. I might try to go for the best.. not sure yet.. Okay.. why am I rambling on about digital cameras and my choices 1:24 in the frikken morning.. Oh yeah, I had that thing to write.. which I finished in 10 minutes ^^ Yayerz.. Someone tell me who wrote this quote: "Judge a man not by his words, but by his deeds" or something to that extent.. It seems pretty nice.... Oh an even lighter note.. Annie got her Webcam.. so yeah, I WILL/MUST/HAVE TO see her and her sexy short hair.. ( I like short hair.. it's cool ) But.. I have to show her meeee.. And Eww, my webcam breaks each time it sees my face.. It's like.. "Error: Fugly looking person on camera, shutting off to prevent permanent damage to camera" So yes.. I am afraid of letting her see me... but I wanna see herrr. I realized.. I drank like.. 4 RedBull drinks.. and after reading the ingredients ( it's not redbull, but a rip off of... asian style ) realized that.. it's just water with some sugary stuff in it to make it seem like it's 'good' Heh.. a waste of 60 cents.. I rather have starbucks and die from high sugar content.. and waste 3 dollars.. Man.. I need a job, seriously! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
6:59 pm	How do I keep my long distance relationship? People have asked me that quite a few times... It's quite interesting really.. many people ask me, how do you keep a relationship like that? How do you know they aren't a stalker? How do you love someone without seeing them face to face? Let's deal with the first question, how do I do it. Unlike many people think, a relationship doesn't deal with physical, but emotional.. Yeah, it's a biggg plus that you can touch the person.. But do anyone remember that quote? "You love someone if you take away all phsyical, romantic, and some other stuff ( I don't remmeber ) and the feeling is still there" It's true that being able to see the person you like/love/attracted to matters, but for some people ( me ) that doesn't really matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because I take love as something which comes from the heart, not from the eyes, or the hands, or what not. There's something called trust too.. It's known that.. relationships that turn from close to distant relationships sometimes break up because the two parties don't feel 'secure' that it'll work. Trust is probably the most important thing in a relationship. Yeah, having TOO much trust is a bad thing ( first hand experience here.. ) but enough to let the other person do their thing, not being too clingy, and knowing they'll try their best to make the right decisions. It might be hard to grasp that you can like someone without seeing them, and end up staying with them for 6 months, but love is blind, it doesn't care about how 'hard' it is. How do I know she isn't a stalker? Well.. simple.. Talkign to her mom, cousin, and little brother helps.. How do I love someone without seeing them face to face? I love her personality, and I don't think you can see a persons personality.. It just happens.. We both know each other by personality. Not because we look pretty or anything.. but I have to say she is pretty. Added bonus there... Yeah.. that should free up most questions.. If you still don't see how it can work.. for all sakes, don't have one... I just like how my relationship is going.. And sometimes it feels.. hopeless, but I get over it knowing that we love each other because of our personality, not because of looks, physical attributes.. or what not.. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2003
3:42 pm	Sugar high... Let me explain this clearly for everyone: Do not have a Medium or greater Caramel Frappicino at Starbucks.. Why? Half way through my drink.. I start shaking.. like you know when you're hyper? but.. I realized.. it was the WEATHER.. Hah.. Anyway, it's not good to drink coffee that's full of.. sugar? Oh yeah... Bad news for me.. I can't see Annie D until.. SUMMER ~_~;; Well, that's what me and her think... I durno if her mom will let me.. Her mom states: "It's too early" Yeah.. if we were FRIENDS! We aren't friends.. we are so much more :P Wow.. I didn't sleep through Jazz History class today.. and I ate at McDees. Lowell Tomorrow.. Wednesday... Probably more media center.. Thursday.. I durno.. Friday.. Lowell... Boring week so far.. I wish I had a job.. seriously.. Oh, anyone wanna go with me to uhh, that place you buy boxes? I think it's called the United States Postal Service? I'll buy you 1 dollar worth of candiii... Sweetfactory that is.. And yes, I will freeload off you.. Aint I cheap or what? Muahahahaha! Okay.. Time to sleep.. I am quite.. out of it... (Comment on this)
Friday, October 3rd, 2003
7:24 pm	You're never alone Another day has gone I'm still all alone How could this be You're not here with me You never said goodbye Someone tell me why Did you have to go And leave my world so cold Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says That you are not alone For I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay But you are not alone For I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart But you are not alone 'Lone, 'lone Why, 'lone Just the other night I thought I heard you cry Asking me to come And hold you in my arms I can hear your prayers Your burdens I will bear But first I need your hand Then forever can begin Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says That you are not alone For I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay For you are not alone For I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart For you are not alone Whisper three words and I'll come runnin' And girl you know that I'll be there I'll be there You are not alone For I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay For you are not alone For I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart For you are not alone For I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay For you are not alone For I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart For you are not alone... Yeah.. No one is alone.. Annie, esp you :) (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
9:50 pm	I miss Annie I wish I could get a job.. I really need a job.. I got no money ~_~;; Even Annie has a job! I gotta get myself some money so that this december.. I can go to her and see her, for her birthday.. It's best if I go and do something that I'd love to do. And being with Annie for 2 weeks is just that.. Probably will make my whole life ^^ Oh yeah.. I saw the place that that 22 yr old girl died on 5/27/2003... Hit and Run bitches... Gawd.. Made me hella sad ~_~;; I am serious... Poor girl.. just graduated too... Soo sad.. Song: Evanescence - Imaginary (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
8:37 am	Cold.... It's... like 8:37... and I am awake.. I am not due for school until 11... yes folks, I woke up 2 hours early... I should get on to buying myself more CD-Rs.. I ran throuhgh 150 of them in 2 weeks.. like candy they say... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2003
11:11 pm	3 Krispy Kreme Doughnuts + Caramel Frap == Heaven You think it's heaven.. more like a overdosage of sugar.. My throat hurts too.. Bleh, Oh yeah, I played MGS2 today.. Quite interesting.. I want to be the NINJA! Mr. X is cool. 10 days till Anniversary with Annie! And yes, Silvia here made me get a LJ to read her LJ posts.. How mean ne? (1 Comment |Comment on this)